Mary and Chocolate

Date: Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Medication: 2000 mg Depakote, 2.5 mg Zyprexa, .25 mg Klonipin
Mood: 8
Sleep: 6 hours solid sleep – 9pm-3am, brief nap this morning 4-5am.
Food: Still fighting craving for sugar – have regained 4 pounds since starting new medication. Will try to walk and swim more.

Spent 4 hours with Rejeanne, Caroline and the grandchildren yesterday.

The other day I was sitting with some friends in the plaza. Suddenly, the sun highlighted a red blossom across from where I sat. I stopped the conversation. We watched the flower for a moment. Some returned to conversation. I did not.

Scene remembered from day just prior to returning to the hospital:

I sit n the Bread Garden Restaurant and Store with Mark G. who says he is a Buddhist teacher. Buddha is said to be kind so I imagine that he does not mind that often Mark becomes angry and defensive when teaching or “making a point”. I am facing the buffet. I hear a voice speaking softly. “We will bring her to you. Just remain calm and watch the buffet."

A parade of women visit the buffet. Most of them seem to be looking at me as I sit ramrod straight. One woman in particular seems very insistent that I notice her. I vaguely recognize the line of her jaw and the color of her eyes – once again it is Mary, my first annulment/marriage. My mind refuses to let go of the illusion of “one true love” and the idea that we are meant to find the “one” best suited to us or die alone. When my mind is in this mode Mary appears. This incarnation is dressed in smart Martha Stewart with short flipped hair dyed a multitude of hues. She wears enough gold and diamonds to ransom a prince. I ignore her. I hear the crowd quietly sigh in sympathy as she walks away from the buffet and I do not so much as nod in her direction. She tries to gain my attention once more a bit later but life and I are no longer interested in the idea of specialness. We simply sit and wait to see what comes next. I hope it has something to do with chocolate.