Clearing My Brain

The brain goes where it will. Yesterday a man appeared who I had not seen before. He shared that he had been sober 27 years. There was no reason for me to doubt his word, but something about the way he said it made me wonder if it were true. He shared that he knew God’s will for him was to help drunks. He said this as if he were on a great mission.

I too have thought this. I no longer do. I do not know what “god” is – there are so many definitions it is impossible for me to find a consistent view. Even if I was sure who god was, the only way I would know his will is if he were to communicate it to me. There have been times when I was certain god was talking directly to me. As it turns out these were very dangerous times, times when I was so into my “vision” that I overlooked the beauty of life, times when family and friends did not exist – the only important thing was my communication with god.

When I am “communicating with god”, seeing a vision, or accepting a great mission, I have no way of telling if I am experiencing a hallucination or having a revelation. I don’t deny anyone else the right to have visions or “talk” with god. I wish them well. So long as they do not insist that I join them on their journey or they do not prevent me from following my own path we can live in peace.

Life is beautiful. Life is precious. Life is real. I no longer need, nor can I safely indulge in visions of god or a precise definition of god’s will. Simple kindness is enough for me. More than enough. I have yet to exhaust its potential for bringing me peace.

For me, kindness requires no vision. Kindness requires no interpretation or special training – only continual practice with a heart that seeks to be honest, open and willing to change. I study kindness by cleaning the toilet at the gas station. I understand kindness when I open up and let others hold me, hug me and love me. I practice kindness when I turn aside other’s requirement that I pick up their fear, hatred and judgment in order to belong to their clan, tribe or church. I master kindness when I recognize that I cannot practice it perfectly, that for me there is no perfect kindness; only a simple plan of trying to be kind to the next person, place or thing I encounter.

I destroy my practice of kindness when I make it exclusive to “drunks” or any other group, including my family. If I try to practice kindness only in special cases or with particular people I begin to experience judgment and fear – the things destroy any joy I may find in life. But that is my path, and as it has often been said and is well documented: I am insane.