I woke this morning with a stuffy head. I blew my nose. My nose cleared but my head remained stuffed. I had made the mistake of turning on the TV and listening to the 24 hour chatter about politics, the fate of our nation and the state of the world. The calm of sleep was quickly replaced by the turmoil of fear and anxiety. One well coifed pundit claimed that all the evils of the world are due to governments and regulation; that unless we return to unconstrained free enterprise all of us face a future of perpetual poverty. Another claimed that large greedy corporations are the root of all evil; that unless we constrain greedy businessmen we will soon find ourselves in chaos. Neither side seemed willing to claim any accountability for the world's condition. Each claimed to be the victim of the other; loudly proclaiming how others were making their lives miserable. I barely managed to pull on my clothes and stumble out the door without losing consciousness.
The rhythm of my strides and breathing restored a little serenity. As usual questions came. Why did such things disturb me? Why was the world the way it was? Why do people scream at each other? Why does each side believe their path alone is best for the world? The only answer I could find was that people are afraid and that I am easily infected by their fear. I have been infected by fear so long that sometimes I believe my natural condition is to constantly fight to survive in a dog eat dog world. When in this state, I can easily justify seeing myself as a victim, a prisoner in a cruel and heartless world – a world that requires me to hate and even kill others before they have a chance to kill me. In such a world I can easily justify hating and fearing those that look and behave differently. In such a world I can easily justify preemptive wars. In such a world I can easily hate myself for not thinking the way that I am "supposed" to think. In such a world I can soon find myself wondering if life is worth living.
Thankfully I know that my "dog eat dog" model of life is based on false assumptions. While it is true that I can easily find "dogs" to fear in life. It is equally true that I can face these "dogs" without being ruled by fear. I know this is true because I have done it and I have seen others do it. Most people are terrified of the "dogs" of poverty, loneliness, illness and death. These things cause me fear as well. I take action to avoid them, but I try not to be ruled by them. I have lived alone and still been surrounded by many friends. Before I die I may be very poor but I have lived on very little. I certainly will face the pain of illness and death, but I do not need to let this fear poison every moment of my life.
Some people claim that we may soon be able to eliminate virtually all illness and that we may even be able to "live" forever. Perhaps they are right, but I see little evidence that we would know how to live free from fear even if we lived forever. Others claim that there is no need to worry; that a supernatural being watches over all creation and will save the "worthy" ones, taking them to a special place of eternal and joy. Perhaps they are right. I see little evidence of supernatural beings who place man's wants and needs above all else in the universe, but I acknowledge the limits of my understanding. I do not have the answers to such weighty questions. What I do have is some experience facing my fears, and the witness of others who have faced theirs.
My most fundamental fear seems to be that I am separate and alone in a vast uncaring universe. In this view, my fellows seek to embarrass me and harm me because they hate me. When engaged in such thinking, I imagine that the world is against me. I imagine that I am but a tiny and insignificant fragment that by itself is worthless and powerless. To counteract this fear I act out in anger. I puff myself up, claiming to know more than I do, claiming to represent the "right" way of living so that I can rationalize my attempts to control and convert others. I become addicted to being "right". I erase my doubts by coercing you to agree with me. Often the best way for me to "convert" you is to incite fear within you, and then to offer you my "right" way of thinking as the answer. I become an evangelist of fear. When you accept my solution to the fear you have caught from me, you reinforce the correctness of my views. Your reinforcement gives me comfort for then I have company - there are two of us. Together we can incite more fear, helping to expand the circle of people who accept "our" true path. I have been caught up in this cycle so many times it is difficult for me to remember them all.
How can I fight against becoming part of such a cycle? My experience has been that fighting is not the answer. If I become fearful, angry and fight then I simply continue the cycle. The only peace I have had from this pattern is to do my best to act with kindness, even in the face of anger and fear, or perhaps especially when faced with anger and fear. If I "fight" the world's fear and anger then I become its victim. I must follow what seems to be the kindest course of action or face a life of unrest and unhappiness; a life where I despair; a life where I question the value of life itself.
Do I believe I have found the true, correct path? Of course not. Believing I have found "the truth" would encourage me to simply repeat the cycle. I likely would end up trying to make the world follow my particular view of kindness - repeating the very pattern I am trying to avoid. What others do is their business. I will not fight them. I will not ask them to pick up my fears and my way of dealing with it. And the good news is that no one can make me pick up their fear and anger unless I let them.
True, I often find myself filled with fear and anger. I often fight vainly against the world and those who hold the "wrong" point of view. As Dylan Thomas said I "rage, rage against the dying of the light", the fight for what I believe is right, fight for my life at any cost. This is only natural I suppose. Yet, when I have followed this path it has given me a "sickness unto death".
What about fighting for the life of others? Surely I must fight for social justice and world freedom. Perhaps, but I know of no case where fighting brought lasting justice and freedom. Even in societies claiming to be just and free, there is ample evidence of inequality and suffering. I have always found the idea of fighting for peace and equality something of an oxymoron. What happens to the fighters when they win? In seems the winners in any "fight" inevitably victimize or at a minimum demonize those they were fighting against. I only need to look at the political cycles in my own country to see evidence of this. Thankfully, we have not yet turned to violence; but there are those who advocate it.
What about fighting for the life of my family and loved ones? Surely I must fight those who would harm them. Surely I would kill someone who was trying to kill my grandchildren. I cannot answer such a question. I might very well kill such a person. Doing so would solve nothing. My grandchildren might live, but the grandchildren of the one I killed likely would seek revenge. Who can say when that cycle would end? I hope that I would place myself between my grandchildren and harm. I hope that the one seeking to harm them would be satisfied with my death and cease fighting. I hope that my friends and relatives would not seek revenge.
I am not saying that I chose to die. Far from it. I love life. The wonder of leaves rustling beneath my feet, the smile of my grandchildren, and the feel of air as it fills my lungs, all of it, all of the million and one little things of life fill me with great joy. I plan to enjoy them as long as possible; as long as holding on to them does not require a life of perpetual fear and anger. Why? Simply because when I live in fear and anger I cannot taste life, so in effect I am already dead. So I will hope to avoid raging and grasping life by the throat, practicing the dogmatic principle that the "ends justify the means". I hope to practice not fighting those who are different or who threaten me. I hope to enjoy the turning of the universe as it wheels on its unknowable path, and not waste time trying to control and manipulate it. I hope to cease looking for reasons to fear the thoughts and actions of others; looking instead for the kindness within them. In the words of the great Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce I hope that I will learn to "…fight no more forever."
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