(4 AM, Iowa City, Iowa – 2012, May 5)
Periodically, late at night, like now, I awaken and feel as if I have done something horrible to the entire world. Some might say that I have. It is impossible for me to know if this is true or not, and it really is not important. If I have done something horrible, then I have done something horrible. I do not know what it is.
Some would say these thoughts come from the stars, the devil, mental illness, or some such. That is not important to me. It is important that I recognize them, accept them, and do what I can to move past them. I do not want to pass on the feeling of having done something horrible. I do not want to feel horrible myself.
I have tried many practices and, to the best of my ability; I have prayed, I have meditated, I have followed directions, and taken many treatments. These have not eliminated the thoughts. Apparently, they are what they are – thoughts that come to my mind unbidden, from an unknown place.
I write. Later, I will walk. These thoughts are necessary. Just as the steps on my walk are necessary. Just as death is a necessary part of life. Some thoughts are pleasant. Some steps are very difficult. As for death, I have experienced cases where it was not unpleasant, and as easy as ceasing to breathe.
Of course, if you are ridiculously fat and have sleep apnea (like I probably do), you can improve your breathing either by getting oxygen via a tube or get up and walk. I prefer walking. You can never tell what you are going to see, or whom you may meet.
You may even find a pack of hot dog buns that costs $1.18 rather than $1.99. (Two other people on the planet will get that joke. The rest of you will have to buy the damned book.)