My Friend?

A friend said to me, "You are not praying so you do not belong to our group." I felt sad. I have shared much of my life's story with this friend, even the bits I am not proud of. I wanted to be part of the group. They have been part of my life for many years. Ageless feelings of loneliness and inadequacy surfaced and I was overwhelmed with guilt and shame. Why didn't I pray with the group? Was I just trying to be different for the sake of being different? Was I simply a willful child refusing to grow up and accept my responsibilities in the society I had chosen? What was wrong with me?

I suffered about this for several days. My friend may have had a role in the initial pain, but the continued suffering was largely due to factors that had nothing to do with my friend. Old and imagined hurts kept me imprisoned. My expectations of myself and others kept the prison locked tight. I felt angry. Who was my friend to question me? Why was what I believed so much more important than what I did? My internal musings took me away from interacting with others and being of use to my friends. Eventually, I returned to my daily routine of giving people rides, sharing conversations, buying a meal or two, just being there to participate in life with kindness. Eventually I realized that there was no suffering. Pain may come and it will go, but the suffering is optional – at least in part.

I don't know if I will return to the group. The group strongly insists on a particular pattern of belief. Lately, I have had more and more trouble buying into the idea that I honor one practice above all others. There are some beliefs that I find truly admirable, like the idea of being kind regardless of the personal consequences. There are some that I find truly detestable, like the idea that some people have more legal rights because of their creed, sexual preference, color, ability or economic status. Other than that, there is a huge middle ground of beliefs that I can pick and choose from. The more effort any group spends in trying to convince me of the rightness or exclusiveness of their view, the more nervous I become. Why all the insistence of conformity of belief? Why the fear of different beliefs? Who truly can judge the beliefs of another? Actions yes. We have rules and laws to limit damaging or hurtful actions. But beliefs?

I probably will return to the group. Without being egotistical, it probably needs at least a few weirdos like me if for no other reason than to inspire others to greater fervor. I would like the group to succeed. I know that its success will require balancing the competing practices of being open to new ideas while honoring traditions. I think in the end, like all groups I know of, it will succeed or fail based on its actions not its beliefs. Some claim prayer can only be given with a bowed head and beautiful words. I think even more wonderfully it can be lived as an act of kindness to others.

Last night, the moon was large and bright. It has watched over the rise and fall of all of mankind's beliefs. It has not been moved. It has gone about its business of passing through phases, raising and lowering tides since before there was a man to have beliefs. May I be like the moon. May my shining be free of fear. May I act consistent with my beliefs without having to justify them or seek approval of them from others. May I seek to protect the rights of others to do the same. May I resist anger without being a "sunshine patriot" to the goal of acting with love and compassion regardless of how others view me. If the only way I can be your friend is to share your fear and judgment of others then I may not be your friend. But even then I will strive to treat you with kindness and respect. I can stand and be myself even if others think I am broken or wrong. I can be free. I am. Free.

Now it is time to go call David and eat at the Chinese Buffet one more time. I hope they have octopi for him. God how tired I am of eating at that place. J

Me Against The World

I spoke with a friend yesterday. I was upset about the rampant idiocy I see in this world. I felt I was very persuasive with my arguments and facts.

"Did you know?," I began, "Nearly 40% of Americans are on an anti-intellectual crusade? When we learn something new in physics, astronomy, meteorology, geology or biology that does not agree with their religious views they cast it aside or try to co-opt it as evidence for clinging to the existence of a supernatural sky father."

My friend smiled at me as I paused for breath. I continued, "They claim that religious practices yield a better society. With the possible exception of Ireland, America has the highest level of belief in God and Jesus of any industrialized nation, but the United States has far higher homicide, poverty, obesity, and homelessness rates than any of its more secular peer nations."

I am sure that my eyes were bulging and that my face was red by this point. "The fact is that extremely secular nations such as Japan and Sweden are much safer, cleaner, healthier, better educated, and more humane." (Reference 1)

Spent, I waited for my friend's response.

"Well, what do you think?"

"Not much," he said.

"What? Aren't you afraid of what will happen if the religious wing nuts gain control of the world?"

"Not really," he said.

"How can you know that?"

"I don't know that. It's just that I don't see any evidence of anyone or anything being in control."

I took a breath. "I guess I was speaking politically."

He laughed. "Politicians have the least control. They are so busy chasing the illusion of power that they cannot even control their personal lives. Seems to me, most of them live in misery."

"But what about Hitler, Stalin, Caesar…people like that?"

"Where are they now?"

"But while they were alive they had great power."

"Only over those who feared them, those who forgot how to think for themselves."

"What about freedom of speech?"

"Freedom of thought is more important. Without that I have nothing to say anyhow."

"Guess you're right."

"Why?"

"But you just said…"

"I know what I said, why did you agree with me?"

"It sounded persuasive."

"Why?"

"I guess it felt right."

"So if it feels right then it is right?"

"I see where you're headed."

"Where exactly is that?"

"Let me see if I can put it together…Accepting something as true just because it agrees with how I feel is not a good reason for believing it. I should ask for more."

"Got it in one."

"Maybe I should ask for even more proof if it an idea agrees with something I truly, truly believe in."

"Absolument, mon cherie."

"So the real threat to me is my hatred of what I call idiocy."

"Yes, in part. There may be a real threat to freedom there, but the first step to fighting it is to apply critical thinking to your own prejudice."

"Like why do I think it's idiotic to believe in a sky father?"

"Or more to the point, why are you angry at those who do?"

"I'm afraid of what they may do to me and the future of the country."

"What is the best way

 

 

 

 

 

The Sun Never Sets

The sun never sets. The earth may turn but the sun never sets. The moon never rises or changes phases. Tides may rise but the moon never does, moon and earth merely dance together. Every sunset, every new moon is an illusion; fig newtons of my imagination, mere artifacts of how I see the world from where I sit. My ancestors took this evidence as proof certain that the sun does in fact rise and that the moon does change phases. Often, they killed or cast out those who tried to say otherwise. They acted on incomplete information. Clearly the truth requires more than the evidence that is readily available to me. Clearly my perception of things is limited. Clearly, if I am to see beyond the illusion of sunsets and moon phases I must begin by accepting nothing on face value.

I think life is like that. I assume that I can tell living (sentient) from dead (non-sentient) things in the world. I see a rock and say, "That is not sentient, it is a dead thing," so I feel no remorse when I kick it down the road, forever separating it from the place it has occupied for days, weeks, years or even longer. Based on current evidence, the probability is that the rock is in fact not sentient. It has none of the basic requirements necessary for it to be classified as a feeling being. But stating a probability is the best I can do. I am still learning. Someday, I could look back on my act of kicking the rock as a thoughtless crime against a sentient being. Looking at things in today's view, it seems very unlikely that this is the case but I must remain open.

The same goes for the question of when life begins and when it ends. I see a baby and rejoice at the beginning of new life. I see a corpse and I mourn the death of a loved one. But I'll bet that is simply my take, my point of view once more. The real phenomena of life and death likely are well beyond my poor ability to perceive them. I can watch a baby being born, or if I am lucky be there to participate in its conception. But this experience is not proof certain that the beginning did not come earlier still. I can watch a "dead" body decay into its component parts, smaller and smaller pieces breaking down into yet smaller ones until eventually only atoms are left. Even these at some great distant day will become sub atomic particles. My perception of this broad play is limited to tiny sliver of time. And my perception of time itself is only partial.

My ancestors were certain that the sun set and that the moon went through phases. They were right, and they were wrong. They were right to take action using the best information they had at the time. Their information was wrong. This is natural, but some of them refused to accept new information when it became available. Some of them fought against learning more about life. I have done this. I have held onto old beliefs and actions long past the time when they were useful to me and those around me. When I did so I became more and more closed in, more and more afraid of change, less and less tolerant and able to show compassion. For me, being human, being alive, requires me to question, verify and question again. Some tell me that I should accept things without questioning them. I do not understand this point of view. It seems guaranteed to keep me in ignorance. Perhaps that is a state of bliss for some, but it is not helpful to me. Ignorance did not cure my cancer. Ignorance did not give me the cup of coffee I drank this morning. Ignorance will not allow me to reach out and embrace the wonder and diversity of life.

Monkey Dancing

In any absolute sense of the words I have stolen, I have lied, I have cheated. In any absolute sense of the words I will steal again, I will lie, I will cheat again. I once believed the only path to peace was to find some way to totally free myself from stealing, lying and cheating. Like a little monkey, I danced from religion to religion from faith to faith from philosophy to philosophy, from cause to cause hoping for relief. I hopped and leaped about, hard to catch, impossible to pin down. Each time a religion, faith, philosophy or cause "failed me" I became depressed and angry at those who offered their path as the only "right" dance.

Lately, I am enjoying all dances. Each "dance" has merit, if only that created by those who find it valuable. I am not a Christian, yet I saw my Grandmother MacDaniel dance what she saw as Christ's waltz and display the finest grace and charity I have ever seen. I am not a Buddhist, but I have watched a Zen master glide through the chasms of mind to light up corners of consciousness hidden to others. I am not a Muslim yet I have twirled like a Sufi in my mind as I read the words of Rumi, "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." I am not a Hindu but I have visited India and stood in awe at the power of Shiva's dance of simultaneous creation and destruction.

I am not a Social worker, yet I have seen their compassion and clapped my hands as one played country and folk music (even though country and folk music normally makes me want to pull out my hair). I am not a Scientist but I love science's dance of eternal questioning and learning about the wonderful world in which we live. I am not an Addict or Alcoholic, but there was a time when drugs led me to ecstasy, burning a hole through some old prejudices. I am not a Businessman, but there was a time when I boogied to the rumba of enterprise and fame; creating wealth - sometimes wisely, sometimes not.

To be a happy monkey and create my own dance, I have had to learn a few steps of all dances. The trick is not to be trapped by memories of past dances; to be honest about how they have helped or caused me to stumble, but to avoid viewing them with pride, regret, or guilt. They were just dances using the music available to me at the time. I can use what I learned from them to make a new dance. Now that I am an old monkey, I sometimes manage to jump and leap for the pure joy of life. I dance an ever changing dance. Each day reveals new steps, but my dance is always complete while I dance it. How can it be complete and still benefit from change? Even the Monkey doesn't know that. Rock on Monkey.