Sunday, August 29, 2010

My Friend?

A friend said to me, "You are not praying so you do not belong to our group." I felt sad. I have shared much of my life's story with this friend, even the bits I am not proud of. I wanted to be part of the group. They have been part of my life for many years. Ageless feelings of loneliness and inadequacy surfaced and I was overwhelmed with guilt and shame. Why didn't I pray with the group? Was I just trying to be different for the sake of being different? Was I simply a willful child refusing to grow up and accept my responsibilities in the society I had chosen? What was wrong with me?

I suffered about this for several days. My friend may have had a role in the initial pain, but the continued suffering was largely due to factors that had nothing to do with my friend. Old and imagined hurts kept me imprisoned. My expectations of myself and others kept the prison locked tight. I felt angry. Who was my friend to question me? Why was what I believed so much more important than what I did? My internal musings took me away from interacting with others and being of use to my friends. Eventually, I returned to my daily routine of giving people rides, sharing conversations, buying a meal or two, just being there to participate in life with kindness. Eventually I realized that there was no suffering. Pain may come and it will go, but the suffering is optional – at least in part.

I don't know if I will return to the group. The group strongly insists on a particular pattern of belief. Lately, I have had more and more trouble buying into the idea that I honor one practice above all others. There are some beliefs that I find truly admirable, like the idea of being kind regardless of the personal consequences. There are some that I find truly detestable, like the idea that some people have more legal rights because of their creed, sexual preference, color, ability or economic status. Other than that, there is a huge middle ground of beliefs that I can pick and choose from. The more effort any group spends in trying to convince me of the rightness or exclusiveness of their view, the more nervous I become. Why all the insistence of conformity of belief? Why the fear of different beliefs? Who truly can judge the beliefs of another? Actions yes. We have rules and laws to limit damaging or hurtful actions. But beliefs?

I probably will return to the group. Without being egotistical, it probably needs at least a few weirdos like me if for no other reason than to inspire others to greater fervor. I would like the group to succeed. I know that its success will require balancing the competing practices of being open to new ideas while honoring traditions. I think in the end, like all groups I know of, it will succeed or fail based on its actions not its beliefs. Some claim prayer can only be given with a bowed head and beautiful words. I think even more wonderfully it can be lived as an act of kindness to others.

Last night, the moon was large and bright. It has watched over the rise and fall of all of mankind's beliefs. It has not been moved. It has gone about its business of passing through phases, raising and lowering tides since before there was a man to have beliefs. May I be like the moon. May my shining be free of fear. May I act consistent with my beliefs without having to justify them or seek approval of them from others. May I seek to protect the rights of others to do the same. May I resist anger without being a "sunshine patriot" to the goal of acting with love and compassion regardless of how others view me. If the only way I can be your friend is to share your fear and judgment of others then I may not be your friend. But even then I will strive to treat you with kindness and respect. I can stand and be myself even if others think I am broken or wrong. I can be free. I am. Free.

Now it is time to go call David and eat at the Chinese Buffet one more time. I hope they have octopi for him. God how tired I am of eating at that place. J

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